This letter is not only addressed to those close to me. It’s also intended to serve as a plea to the general public, an outcry to my fellow man to help combat a serious affliction that is plaguing our world. This far-reaching, deep-seeded problem needs to be tackled immediately for the sake of humanity. It’s called idiocy, and if we don’t attempt to put an end to it soon, we’re all pretty much screwed.
Accordingly, I have put together a few pointers for you to share with your friends and family to assist in finding a cure for this rampant spread of stupid. The sooner we adhere to the following guidelines, the safer we are from becoming a flaming bag of dipshittery.
I implore you, while communicating with the rest of us online, please see to it that you…
Check Snopes Before Blindly Reposting Some Random Link
Back when the Internet as we now know it was still in its infancy, I recall receiving e-mails from people with alarming consistency claiming that I could earn cash simply by forwarding the poorly worded message that had found its way to my Inbox. I still remember thinking, “How in the goddamn hell can anyone track all of these e-mails? And what’s in it for the company who supposedly is going to pay me? Obviously these people are full of shit.”
Sadly, there are a metric shit-ton of people who don’t share my skeptical eye. The reposting of “FORWARD THIS AND A PEGASUS WILL EJACULATE MAGICAL AIDS-ENDING AWESOMENESS ON TO THE WORLD” stories continue to find their way to many mailboxes and social media slums. There exists a certain number of individuals on this planet who fully believe that Facebook will track the number of shares on a sad story and donate a dollar to a noble cause. I’m not saying that Facebook doesn’t have the technical ability to track it, nor am I saying they don’t want to donate, I’m just saying that it doesn’t actually happen, because it’s completely fucking fabricated.
It takes roughly the same amount of effort to verify the validity of a story as it does to post a bullshit one. Sites like Snopes exist for that reason, so I’m begging you, please use them. There’s really minimal effort involved to not sound like a dumbass. Let’s actually try to be educated about what we put our energy in to. The tools exist to verify what we hear, which brings me to…
Just Fucking Google It
I wish I could say I coined that phrase, but I didn’t. In fact, there’s a website called justfuckinggoogleit.com, and it exists because countless people ask stupid fucking questions without consulting the greatest source of information we have ever known. It doesn’t take long to open a web browser and do a basic query before prattling off like some clueless retard, though more often than not people choose the latter route.
And I can’t be more serious about that. Before asking me about your computer problem or random history question, see what Google has to say. There are literally billions of sources of information out there, yet instead of using an easy way to find the answers you seek you transform the people around you in to information whores. The Internet is accessible from your computer, tablet and even phone. Just type your goddamn question in. It’s not rocket surgery.
Seriously, this isn’t Jeopardy!, you’re not Alex Trebek and I’m not a fucking contestant. Do your part as a considerate member of society and try to find the answer yourself. The rest of us don’t exist purely to be your one-stop-shop of answers to your endless inquiries. Unless you’re asking for my opinion, the answer is on the Internet. And if it’s not I probably don’t have it. But consult Google first, or at least let me kick you in the crotch before you ask your question. It’s a fair trade.
Also, please note that while utilizing these tools keep in mind that…
Your Computer is not a Goddamn Television
How many times have you heard someone say, “I just want my computer to work?” How many times have you said it? It’s a valid point. We want our tools and technology to perform as they were designed to. It’s a very logical line of thought. Unfortunately, there’s a glaring problem with that concept.
Your computer is not a fucking television, and if you think it’s just a fancy apparatus for “on demand” content, you’re doomed to a life of PC nightmares.
You see, computers are more like cars. There are a multitude of various components, both hardware and software, that weave a delicate balance trying to bring you the content you desire. Often times it works as desired. But with any machine that contains many complex parts, sometimes things just break. And even more often, it’s probably your fault.
Computers are not magical boxes that flawlessly serve up Angry Birds and porn. I make the vehicle analogy because your PC requires constant maintenance in order to maintain efficient functionality. It will never, ever, just work. Your video card will go bad, you’ll unknowingly install malware that will bring your system to a crawl, your child will visit a malicious website to watch some foreign girl have sex with a donkey, and your motherboard will shit the bed for absolutely no reason at all. It happens, just like when your transmission simply goes bad on your Ford Taurus. It’s not wacky voodoo shit, it’s just technology. Get over it.
Oh, and while you’re using this contraption please understand that…
Nobody Gives a Damn About Your Inspirational Bullshit
I’ve touched on this sort of concept before, but I can’t be more serious about the fact that absolutely nobody cares about your views on breast cancer awareness or gay rights or how you support our troops. It’s all “hey look at me and how noble I am” crap. All of it. If you honestly cared about the cause you purported to support, you’d spend your time actually doing something for the cause instead of forwarding cheesy images to people who don’t care.
The Microsoft Paint-developed eyesores that people keep throwing around do nothing for the causes they claim to support. In fact, the only thing they accomplish is using actual resources from all of the electricity used by multiple computers to serve this bullshit to other morons across the globe. Do you actually support research for ALS? Then go volunteer or write a twenty dollar check and spare the rest of us your failed attempts at philanthropy.
This also goes for the sappy religion and relationship-themed fuckery that’s thrown around. Now, you can call me out on the fact that I’m single and have no firm religious beliefs, but if you tried to argue that your time is better spent posting vapid horseshit online than it is focusing on your love life or your spirituality, you’d be wrong. Laughably wrong.
So really, for the sake of intelligence and a world where Idiocracy is not a reality, please know that…
I hate being bitter, but we as a society need to pull our heads out of our asses and start utilizing some common sense. Our behavior is depressing, yet at the same time easily fixable. It’s not terribly difficult to not be stupid, it just requires a little bit of effort. Utilize the tools you have at hand with a little bit of thought, and we’ll all be much happier. Or at least I will be.